Captain Bovine's Harp Bazaar

Illustration for article titled Captain Bovines Harp Bazaar

Moo. First just let me say that bards are the best. That’s right. Bards are the only class worth playing. SO WHAT if we can’t attack. WE CAN SING!

  • 1 Song per week
  • Songs begin the first time you log points for a week and end the first day thereafter that you do not. Ex. If you run Monday, the song starts. If you log points Tuesday the song continues. If you do NOT log points on Tuesday the song stops. You cannot restart a song.
  • 2 skills per week unless otherwise noted.
  • War Anthem is a skill
  • You can purchase only 1 song and 1 skill per week unless otherwise noted
  • Skills can only be used if you have added points that day


  • Hymn of the Cheater (50 gold) If Hymn of Plenty is sung four days at least, your team gains 20% extra gold. This gold is applied to the base amount of gold won. Any bonus gold is gained at a 1:4 ratio instead of a 1:8 ratio. Who needs the glory when you’ve got the gold?
  • Chrome Chorus (50 gold) Once per week, If a character dies while Chrome Chorus is active, all players get 10 health and the dead character is brought back to life with full health. Afterwards, give your healer 15 healing points daily that the song remains active. I live, I die, I live again! Witness!
  • Stacatto Stickers (55 gold) All heroes have a 50% chance to gain +2 to their logged points. This is a one time roll, yes/no for the entire team for each day. Killing two birds with one stone isn’t nearly as fun as killing two Furbies with a dull axe.
  • Nerf Now (60 Gold) RNG 1, 2, 3, 4. If 1. Healer gets 15 points that day. If 2. Warrior crits (1.5x damage that day). If 3. All mage damage done that day is spell damage (calculate base damage normally). If 4. Give yourself 3 points for that day. All of these are assuming that a run is already in place for that day. Ex. If you roll 1 and the healer has not logged points that day, you get nothing.
  • Knife Block (100 gold) Must have purchased Ginsu Knife. Each day you sing, your heroes have a 75% chance to crit. This is a one time, daily roll for the entire team. Kidechka, I don’t even own A knife, let alone several that would necessitate an entire block.
  • Song of the Sirens (350 gold) All spell costs, learning costs, and skill costs are reduced by 2 while this song is active. Warrior gains 2 Physical Damage to their attack. Her hand gently beckons, she whispers your name, but those who go with her are never the same.


  • Immovable Object 3 points (25 Gold) Grants one hero Physical Resistance for one day It’s not a tumor!
  • Ginsu Knife 3 points (25 gold) Gives 1 character a 50% chance to land a critical strike. Critical strikes do 1.5x damage. (ex. 10 damage becomes 15) It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries! Will not break! It broke...
  • The ol’ Razzle Dazzle! 5 points (35 gold) - Pull out the the stops, and dazzle the creature with your magic tricks; Creature has a 50% chance to not attack that day Is this your... CARD?! *Thanks to Kluge for this one*
  • Presto Chango 5 Points (45 gold) - Take one attack from either the Warrior or the mage and move it to a different day of your choice. This cannot be used to kill a monster a day earlier - ex. if you move a killing blow from Wednesday to Tuesday, the monster is still counted as having been killed on Wednesday. You should worry more about what I have behind my back than what I have in my hat.
  • Envenomed 7 Points (50 gold) If your warrior or mage has a weapon equipped, enchant it with poison. If an attack lands, that monster is now poisoned. Poison: 1st attack from poison-giver after poison lands - Add +2, Second attack after poison lands - +3, Third attack after poison lands - +4. After that poison wears off. Not stackable but can be used on different chars (ie. Mage AND warrior can both poison)
  • Unstoppable Force 8 points (75 gold) Grants one hero Spell Damage for one day. If used on a mage, this ignores Magic Missile (the full damage for the day goes through as spell damage). Don’t you know who I am? I’m the juggernaut!
  • Cinderfella 4 points (75 gold) If an ally is wearing armor, light it on fire and push them towards the monster. This deals 10 spell damage to the monster and 3 physical burn damage each day to the armor wearer unless they remove the armor forever. The burn damage is daily, the spell damage is not. The mage’s only regret as she watched the healer writhe in pain, was that she hadn’t though of it.
  • Rasputin (X Health) (80 gold) You can pay a Mage’s focus cost with four times the focus cost in health points. You must be left with at least 1 HP. Kill me once, shame on you, kill me twice, well, shame again.
  • Rhapsody (3 focus) (250 gold) Copy points from the opposing team. These points are mirrored to the appropriate class for the current day. You may only copy for one day, and the copied points must be put in the same class as they were taken from. You cannot take from another team’s Monday and put on your Tuesday, for example. Nor can you take points from another team’s Warrior and put towards your Healer. For every point copied, give your team 2 times that amount in bonus gold. The song was so good that The Almighty Duke didn’t notice that his purse was suddenly several coins lighter.


  • Empty Jug (70 gold) - 25% chance to gain 10 extra gold on every day you log points Cletus was quite adept at panhandling.
  • Milk Carton and Cat Gut (100 gold) - Your Song can last for one day past the day you stopped singing. This cannot be used to artificially prolong your song - ex. If I stop singing on Monday, use the bonus on Tuesday, then log on Wednesday, the song ends Tuesday still. When Kidechka played the Milk Carton it stayed with you for a time afterwards. Haunting your every thought.
  • Construction Cone (120 gold) - You gain +1 to each day you enter points. Construction cones made lousy hats, but they could really amplify a tone.

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